4 DAYS.

Totally forgot I had this thing.
Anyhoo, what has been going on in G-land in the last 6 months?

Well, let’s do a list.

1). Work.
Work has been good, strangely enough. Way more enjoyable and less stressful than the last place I was at. Also on the positive side, I am actually more sociable with these workmates than I have been in a while. (Yes, I actually go and eat in the lunchroom and talk to people now. Long story, but http://unknowntheartist.wordpress.com/ will know what I’m talking about). Plus, I have finally learnt how to play the retail game. Things in the past that would have knocked me for a loop really don’t phase me at all now. I used to crumble if I was taken out of my comfort zone, but now I actually enjoy it, I relish it in a way. Difficult people? Meh. Get over it and move on.

2). Home.

Home is home. Could be worse, could be better. Trying to juggle near full time hours whilst being a carer of sorts can be trying sometimes, but I have the methods and means to cope with it in place. In the past, I would have run myself into the ground trying to do everything for everyone first, and myself second, and almost kill myself in the process.

What I have learnt, however,  is that it is okay to be selfish at times. In fact, I need to remember to do this sometimes because if you can’t take care of yourself first, you can’t take care of anyone else. It’s something I wish I had learnt a long time ago.

Which segues well in to……

3). The Rest

Let’s see, as I said before, I have

a) learnt to be more sociable

b) learnt to finally take care of myself.

So, where does that leave the rest of me?

This year,  the amount of concerts I will be attending is up 400%. Yes, that’s right. Part of my new outlook (which I will explain the reason behind shortly) is to enjoy my life a lot more and not waste it as much as I have in the past.

The first step in this was deciding to re-discover my enjoyment of live music, something which had suffered in the past few years. Four concerts lined up so far(1 in Feb – Soundwave, 3 in March – Pixies, Dead Weather, and one I know I’ll get slammed for…..Lady Gaga). What a way to get back into it again. In at the deep end, boots and all. Just the way I like it.

Second, was to decide to  ‘catch the moment’, or, basically start taking photos of thing that go on in my life.

I, as some of you may know, have never been one to take or be seen in a lot of photos. That’s changed. I finally bought myself a digital camera so I can have memories of the good times and friends and places I venture to as I progress through this ride. Am I getting sentimental? Getting soft in my ‘old age’? Could be.

Maybe, I’ve just grown up.

That’s been the other big change, you see.

I finally feel comfortable in my own skin, with who I am. A lot of insecurities, self doubt, and demons have fallen by the wayside. It took a lot for that to happen, but it did. And I’ve come out of the other side stronger for it, and finally knowing who I am and how I fit into the scheme of things.  There’s a line from a Nine Inch nails song that seems relevant to this :

“You chip away the old version of you

You’d be surprised at what you can do.”

So true.

4). So Finally….

Why the new outlook, I hear you ask?

It’s like this.

In October/November of 2009, I got what could be described as the biggest reality check of my life.

My doctor, myself, and my family thought I was a dead man walking.

The reason for this? My lifestyle finally caught up to me.

Those who know me know I can drink with the best of them. Hell, I could have probably put any touring rock band to shame on some occassions.  Never missed an opportunity for a cleansing ale or six. Always a case of ‘Where’s the party, officer?’.

All that changed though.

Basically, my doctor wanted me to get a blood test done. Nothing unusual, I thought. No problems.

Riiiiiiiiight.

The test came back. It wasn’t good. Enzyme levels of the liver were high. Really high. One level (I can’t remember what the name of it was) was meant to be around 40 in a normal, healthy person.

Mine was 400.

Think about that for a second.

400.

Basically, all but two of my enzyme and liver functions were abnormally high. Not slightly above, but abnormal. Not cool.

But how, I thought. I didn’t feel unwell (only in the hangover stage of a few days after). No sharp pains, no discomfort. It was, however, enough to warrant the doc to send me for a C.T. scan, to see how much damage had been done over time. Not I might add, to see IF any damage had been done, but HOW MUCH had been done. The doctor was basically implying to me that it wasnt looking good from those results. Great, my liver’s fucked. Once again, not cool.

So, the scan was done on a Thursday, and I wouldn’t get to see my doctor for the results until the following Tuesday. I had 4 days in which to take it all in.

It’s strange when a realisation that all of this, everything you have been, and that you are, can be taken from you. That sense of finality. That you won’t see a blue sky again, or do even just the simple things again. It was a surreal feeling over those 4 days. Never once though, did I blame anyone or anything for the position I was in.  Mum and I discussed this, and I said to her that I accepted my fate because it was of my own doing. My fault, my stupidity, my bad. It was dealt to me by my own hand. So be it. I was making plans to see the solicitor about a will and all, that’s how bad they thought it would be. And that’s how bad I expected it to be. I started taking stock of everything. What I had achieved, what I hadn’t, friends, people I’ve wronged, decisions I regretted, things I would do over again given the chance , never being able to watch Doctor Who again etc. It was, you could say, a moment of clarity.

So, come Tuesday, I get my results.

‘Advanced Fatty Liver’. Not good, but sure as hell not what I was expecting.  Cirrhosis, yes. Tumor, yes. Lesions, yes.  I expected any or all of those. But to 0nly have fatty liver (which, I might add, is not as silly as it sounds. It is only one or two steps away from the onset of cirrhosis) was surprising. Hell, the doctor was surprised by the result as well.

I dodged a bullet, it seems.

In the past, I would have strutted out of the doctor’s office saying to myself that I’m bulletproof. But you know what. I didn’t. Why? Because I’m not. I got lucky. Real lucky. I got a grand universal kick in the arse. To do what I did to myself over time and still come out of it relatively unscathed, hell, I sometimes think that someone was watching over me. Maybe I’m meant to be here for a reason. Maybe I’m meant to do something,  to achieve something. I don’t know. But I do know a second chance when I see it. And I’m not about to squander that and I’m thankful for it.

So, to wrap up, that is the reason for the start of this post. The new outlook.

I don’t intend on wasting my time anymore.